Two girls, one guy, and a pizza place

   Is it possible to be in love with someone I have never kissed or en dated?

   I have said, “I love you” to plenty of guys, but in my heart I knew it wasn’t true love. It was more like lust or obsession. With this in mind, I am curious to know how I could possibly have such strong feelings for someone I’ve never been intimate with. Could this be real love, or just another infatuation?

   I met Josh a couple of years ago at Pizza Hut. He was a new driver, hired to work the morning shift. I had seen him once or twice, but since I worked nights, our paths rarely crossed. It wasn’t until he was put on the Friday night shift that I got to know him.

   At first, I hated him. We already had two drivers on Fridays, but our manager had a crush on him, so she put him on the schedule just so they could flirt. I associated him with losing money, so every time he came to work I was less than welcoming toward him.

   It wasn’t until last summer that Josh and I spoke on friendly terms.

   “My sister is coming to visit today,” I told him. “So, is your sister as hot as you?” he asked.

   I had hated Josh until that moment, but I couldn’t deny that he was sexy.

  “You really think I’m hot, Josh?”

   He smiled. We were flirting, and I loved every second of it. We talked for a while about school, our friends, and why we had hated each other for so long. He thought I was a bitch, and I thought he was a greedy, useless employee.

   “I think we should make out in the cooler,” he said.

   “Sounds hot,” I said. “Let’s go.”

   Standing in front of racks of frozen pizza dough and boxes of chicken wings, I looked into his eyes. “He is gorgeous,” I thought. Neither one of us made the first move. Suddenly, the door flew open and a co-worker barged in to get some cheese.

   There went the first and last chance I had to kiss Josh. He had a girlfriend, and claimed he was only kidding around with me.

   For the next year, I tried to keep my feelings for Josh under control, but every time I saw him I found some way to flirt with him. We would ride around on deliveries together, text in the middle of the night, and occasionally talk on the phone. Josh never had anything nice to say about his girlfriend, so I was sure they would break up soon and he would be mine.

   I tried to get Josh to hang out with me, but he always refused. Recently he saw me cruising down Western Ave. and told me to meet him at the car wash. I pulled up next to Josh and his friend Mike.

   “Hop in boys,” I said.

   “We have to pick up my brother and his friend too,” he said. 

   “Four hot guys in my Mustang,” I thought. “And Josh in the front seat — what could be better than this?”

   We had driven around Albany with the top down for an hour, when we went back to my place. We had knocked back a couple of beers, when we decided to play Truth or Dare.

   My roommates got into the action, and we had a pretty scandalous game going within minutes.

   “Josh, I dare you to let Victoria show you her room,” Mike said.

   Josh and I glanced at each other. He refused the dare, and I was crushed. “He will never be mine,” I thought.

   I went to bed that night, and decided I had to let Josh go. Although he complained about his girlfriend, they were not going to break up, and I did not want to be the other woman.

   My decision to forget Josh was impossible. This week, we have gone cruising three nights in a row. Mike drives, while Josh and I sit in the back seat, and I rub his back.

   “Josh, I want you,” I whisper in his ear. “Why can’t you be mine?” He smiles, but hethinks I’m kidding.

   Part of me wants him to believe I’m not serious. What would he think of me if he knew I was telling the truth? Would he leave his girlfriend and be with me? Or would we simply continue this one-sided, heart-wrenching relationship?

   I wonder if I truly love Josh, or if I am just attracted to men I cannot have. This idea of loving from afar has got me nowhere. I convinced myself that this is the best way to protect my heart, but in reality it’s doing more harm than good. Why would I want to be with someone who dangles himself in front of me, close enough so I’m not completely lonely, but far enough away to make me miserable?

   I know I should try harder to forget Josh and move on, but my feelings keep getting in the way.