The anti-Oscars, ASP style

 The Academy Award. Oscar. The golden statuette. Recognizing excellence in the film industry. Every year, the best of the best meet and acknowledge the most revered films, actors and actresses (among others) of the previous year. There are plenty of films that aren't celebrated, however. In fact, there are plenty of films that Hollywood would care to forget. Here at the ASP, we want to celebrate those uncelebrated films. The ones that made you laugh at their profanity and vulgarity. The ones that made you cringe at the acting, or lack thereof.  If we ran the show, these are a few awards that would be handed out.
   The "I-wish-I-never-saw-you-were-in-this-movie-because-my-enjoyment-of-your-sitcom-is-now-soiled" award:  Kevin James in "Paul Blart: Mall Cop." "The King of Queens" is "The Honeymooners" of our generation. Kevin James plays Doug Heffernan, a loveable but bumbling Queens delivery man. Audiences spent nine seasons being entertained by Doug. Now, when it fades to black, we see Kevin James riding a motorized scooter, with an unnecessary moustache on his face. We wish we didn't.

    "You-used-to-be-on-a-Disney-show-so-don't-get-pissed-when-people-still-call-you-Even Stevens, Even-Stevens" award: Shia LeBeouf for his performance in "Transformers." That's right. We all remember. You. Christy Carlson-Romano. Siblings with clashing personalities, and constant problems. You used to be an annoying, little brother with unruly hair. Now, you're an annoying adult, trying to make your way into grown-up movies, without any acting chops and still with the unruly hair. You are not Bruce Willis. You'll never be Bruce Willis. Stop making action movies. You are not Matt Damon. You'll never be Matt Damon. Stop making thrillers. You are Louis Stevens. When Hannah Montana crosses this bridge someday, you can be there to console her — bottle of liquor in hand.

   "I-wish-an-Emmy-award-winning-actor-on-an-award-winning-show-wouldn't-do-shitty-movies-and-disappoint-me" award: Jeremy Piven in "The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard." Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy. You go from a quick-witted, quick-tempered talent agent on "Entourage" to this? If Ari Gold was trying to sell this movie to, what would he say? Oh. That's right. He would ask if somebody put it on his desk as a fucking joke, as he threw it in the garbage. Nobody wants to see you pretending to be Ari with a different name, while selling cars, Jeremy. Please don't make that mistake again.

   Best facial hair: Zack Galif … that guy from "The Hangover." The REAL Caesar Palace would be proud.

   "Please-stop-making-children's-movies-that-are-scary-movies-in-disguise" award: Tim Burton for "Coraline." It's all sunshine and unicorns, until ghosts of eyeless children float onto the screen.

   "There-was-no-need-for-a-sequel-or-two-or-three. Please-keep-your-word-that-this-is-the-LAST-ONE" award: "The Final Destination." Do you know what? We got it after the first one. Someone has a premonition. They save lives. Too bad for them, because death shows his dark head and kills most everyone anyways. Same formula for the second one. And the third. Why would anything change in the fourth?  But, that's it, folks. Done. You have implied that death has had his share of horny teenagers who don't pay attention when they drive, cross the road, or enter elevators. Please keep your word.

   "Thanks-for-ruining-my-childhood" award: "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra." Actions heros come to life. That about covers it.

  "Was-it-worth-the-paycheck-to-make-this-and-soil-your-legacy?" award:  John Travolta and Robin Williams in Old Dogs. John, you were Tony Manero of "Saturday Night Fever" fame. Danny Zuko. Vincent Vega. Robin, you were nominated for an ACTUAL Academy Award for "Dead Poet's Society." If this is how you plan on spending your golden years, I would take a step back and evaluate your current life choices.