How to deal with a friend in denial

   A few nights ago, I got a call from a friend from back home, and before I even picked it up, I knew it would be about some kind of guy issue. She’s the classic case of a girl who can just never pick the right guy and then doesn’t understand why she’s having so many problems with him.

   Of course I listened intently as she told me about her latest issue: Some guy she was seeing from work was blatantly cheating on her and she had no clue what to do.

   The two only saw each other at night when she went over to his house. He never took her out or introduced her to his friends or family; she was pretty much a secret. She’d come to me a few times before about him, and to say the very least he’s a waste of time. My friend is way too good for him, but she doesn’t see it that way.

   We all have a friend like this — they’re dating somebody that they’re too good for. As good friends, most of us can’t stand watching them in this destructive state while we count down the days or weeks until they realize how much better they can do.

   I’ve tried a few different tactics to deal with this situation knowing that even though my friend says, “be honest with me,” she’s actually saying, “don’t be too harsh on me.” While I’m the kind of person to bluntly tell my friends when they’re dating guys or girls that are a complete waste of time, everybody isn’t like that. It’s natural to struggle with being so honest with someone we care about.

   I’ve compiled some of the many ways to tell your friend that they would just be better off.

   • Be Nice: Because it will probably take more than one conversation to get through to them, try being nice about it first. Friends that are in a rocky relationship (or can’t tell they’re in one) are most likely vulnerable, so be mindful of that.

   If they come to you to vent about their significant other, tell them to think about whether or not they are really happy, or that they should think about whether the bad outweighs the good and vice versa. This way you’re not coming right out and saying they should move on but merely suggesting they should think about whether or not they are happy.

   Remind them that you’re only saying these things because you care about them and want to see them happy. Don’t bad mouth their boyfriend or girlfriend. This tactic is about letting your friend know that if they want to dump whoever they are with, they have support.

   • Be Specific: At some point, your friend will probably catch on to the dislike you have for the person they are with. When asked why you don’t like her/him, be specific. Don’t say things like “just because” or “they’re a douche” — that won’t justify it. In this case, it’s better to say how you feel and not sugarcoat anything because you are providing an outside prospective that your friend doesn’t see.

   In my friend’s case, her guy is very shady, cheats on her, and takes advantage of the fact that she’ll always be around. These are the kinds of things to pin-point. However, don’t accuse, assume, or make things up. Only pin-point what you truly know — the more specific, the better.

   • Create a Timeline: Once the semester ends, most of us won’t be seeing each other, with the exception of the people we know from back home. If your friend is seeing somebody that doesn’t live anywhere close to them, then remind them of that.

   Once finals end, we have four months between now and when we come back for fall semester. That’s another four months your friend could be strung along — suggest to them if it’s really worth waiting four months for.

   Being nice and specific can build up to this because in most cases if it’s a bad relationship, this method will be probably prove to be the most effective.

   • Be Stern: If all else fails, then it’s time to be stern. That doesn’t mean be rude or harsh toward their feelings, but seriously tell them that they’re making a huge mistake.

   In being stern, you can combine almost all of the tactics listed above. You can offer support, be specific, and remind them of how long it will actually last. However, be prepared for a very emotional response.

   In using this method it is best to not sugarcoat anything and only say what matters. Don’t go overboard — know when you’re saying too much. Be firm and effective without being cruel.

   If none of these suggestions work, then there is a small possibility your friend is hopeless and may have to learn the hard way. When this happens, don’t turn it into an I-told-you-so moment, and continue to offer support. Support is key in this entire situation.

   Dating around can be tricky and it’s even harder to go through it without a friend to consult. The best way to be a friend is to listen and be there when it your friend needs you the most. Even if the entire time we can’t help but think, “What were they thinking?”