UAlbany in a nutshell

When I transferred to Albany last year, I was provided with a brochure about campus life. A lot of vital information that was not included in the promotional materials. At the time, the university's slogan was "Bold. Vision." This was quickly changed to "The World Within Reach," because no one could figure out how to pronounce the "dot" between Bold and Vision. New brochures were printed. Still, they lack a certain punch.

Designed by Edward Durell Stone, the famous architect who gave us Lincoln Center, the uptown campus is the second-largest concrete complex in the country, behind the Pentagon.

Give yourself plenty of time to journey across campus, as you will certainly get lost the first week and wander around like a moron wondering why all the buildings look like identical rat cages. Campus maps are posted around every corner, but they resemble IQ test block puzzles, and depict the buildings as deceivingly close together. During the spring and summer, the vast concrete encasement is an oasis from the heat. And there's the cool relief of the spray from the fountain.

Do not mess with the fountain. It is worshipped. It is sacred. In fact, it is actually a swimming pool. Girls in bikinis squeal and romp through it with beach balls, and shirtless guys stand on the sidelines yelling, "Show us your tits! Show us your tits!" This unofficial swamp of human excretions and debauchery is far more important to students than the university's official statue, Minerva, Greek goddess of education.

Do not ever ask another student when the fountain is turned on. I made this mistake. The girl in my public administration class replied, "It's on fountain day! What are you, retarded?"

Part of your duty as an Albany student is to join mobs and swarms. When Barack Obama was officially declared our President-elect, hundreds of students flooded into the podium. It was a poignant image, all those young people coming together to celebrate this country's progressive transcendence over race. But put in perspective, an equally large vomiting crowd of students flocked to the podium when the Giants won the Super Bowl in the February of 2008.

If you must be part of a drunken gaggle of revelers, try not to get pepper-sprayed in the face by the fuzz. After all, the party doesn't start until the cops show up. The Albany police are a little scary. The UPD can also be brutal. Roll slow through campus at under 30 mph, ignore the idiot beeping at you to make a left turn onto a one-way street, and don't run a stop sign with your headlights off while drunk. That usually results in a DWI and a referral to the judicial board.

For the number of commuting transfer students that arrive each year, it is advisable to lock your car doors when parking on campus, but that doesn't assure you'll find your car in the same condition you left it in. Remember, college students have been finding novel uses for Saran Wrap since they crawled out of the proverbial soup.

In the second week of my first semester, someone stole my license plate, the plastic mount, and part of my bumper. I was but one of many victims during a slew of vandalism on several cars. In this situation, it benefited me to go to the oft-resented UPD for assistance. I was questioned heavily about whether I was completely sure my license plate had been stolen.

I told the officer that rationally, the license plate probably didn't self-propel into a vortex in the sky, along with a significant portion of the front of my car. He replied, "Well, rationality doesn't apply to New York State law."

A senior at Albany told me, "You wouldn't believe it, but a lot of kids at this college are snorting their lives away." I don't really believe it. Three semesters later, I have yet to meet a single student who uses hard drugs. This is anecdotal evidence, but good enough.

However, in my second month as a new transfer student, I came across a small plastic bag containing a white powdery substance lying on a snow bank in the parking lot. Maybe cocaine, but to be fair, it could have been meth. I should have kept walking. Instead, I (stupidly) considered my moral duty to society. I couldn't just leave it there. A witless freshman might find it, snort it, and steal another license plate.

For the good of all mankind, and with the cleverness a community college education has provided me, I kicked the little bag into the snow and buried it with the toe of my boot, congratulating myself for a job well done. At some point, I realized that if the UPD drove by, I would be caught burying a bag of drugs in the parking lot. Difficult to explain. I'm an American hero? I slunk away suspiciously to try and find my car, which, in the vast expanse of the State Quad lot, still takes me about half an hour.

Altogether, the University at Albany is a great opportunity for grasping that "World Within Reach." The Capital Region is ideal for networking with government organizations, finding opportunities to study abroad, and obtaining quality internships at respected institutions. Yes, there are lunatics running around, but it's all part of the college experience. You'll come for the party, you'll stay for the good company, just don't wear a Patriots jersey, go to class, and remember to "just say no," kids.